Non Violent Communication: A Path to harmonious relationships
NVC: Communication is a method of communication and human values that connects us with the emotions and needs within ourselves and in relationships, to make them more healthy, compassionate & harmonious.
Introduction
Society has programmed us to obey through Reward and punishment. Jackal language is based on punishing or rewarding your behavior.
You are a good girl - You do what the father expects and wants. You are a bad girl - You do what they don’t expect.
Deserve is the other ingredient to allow this system to function. That connects the punishment or reward with your feelings.
We have been educated by this system to hate ourselves. If we do what others expect, we are programmed to feel positive emotions, If we don’t fulfill others’ expectations then we feel negative: Guilt, shame….to make us think that there is something wrong in us.
Hierarchy is another component: We give more or less power to others to punish or reward us regarding their status in society.
All this dualistic, moralistic language of “Good and Bad” that judges us is one of the biggest poisons of this society.
And right now, this language, this programming is working inside all of us. This language lacks of complete empathy, understanding, freedom, and respect for human life.
We have enormous power to make life wonderful, but if we are not aware of the programs that have been implanted inside us, then we will continue making life miserable for us and for others.
The combination of implanting a dualistic judgemental code of communication (good/bad, Guilt / Innocence) plus retributive justice based on punishment and reward is one of the root causes of violence on our planet.
NVC or nonviolent communication is a series of communication tools and human values to relate in an alternative, compassionate, empathetic way that seeks the well-being and harmony of all, starting with ourselves.
A video from Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of the NVC framework
A communication based on feelings is more alive that one based on judgmental thoughts
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others respectful and empathic attention.
In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion.
Through its emphasis on deep listening— to ourselves as well as to others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart
NVC Therapy
Learn to how communicate and relate in a sincere, friendly, and harmonious way.
Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
In NVC, we distinguish between words that express actual feelings and those that describe what we think we are.
Description of what we think we are: “I feel inadequate as a guitar player.” In this statement, I am assessing my ability as a guitar player, rather than clearly expressing my feelings.
Expressions of actual feelings: “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player.” “I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player.” “I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.” The actual feeling behind my assessment of myself as “inadequate” could therefore be disappointment, impatience, frustration, or some other emotion.
Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.
1. “I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work.” The word unimportant describes how I think others are evaluating me, rather than an actual feeling, which in this situation might be “I feel sad“ or “I feel discouraged.”
“I feel misunderstood.” Here the word misunderstood indicates my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling. In this situation, I may be feeling anxious or annoyed or some other emotion.
2. “I feel ignored.” Again, this is more of an interpretation of the actions of others than a clear statement of how we are feeling. No doubt there have been times we thought we were being ignored and our feeling was relief, because we wanted to be left to ourselves. No doubt there were other times, however, when we felt hurt when we thought we were being ignored because we had wanted to be involved.
This quality of compassion, which is by “giving willingly and from the heart
When we give from the heart, we do so out of the joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.
NVC supports us to be honest with each of us by revealing what is alive in us in order to make life more wonderful.
It basically communicates in a compassionate way what is alive in us and (human need) what would make life more wonderful.
There is a big need of liberate ourselves of the cultural education based on domination that has been imposed through centuries. This system buried what is alive in us in order to make us nice, dead robots instead of compassionate alive humans.
Life needs to be connected to life in order to know our needs.
No one can make emotional pain in you, we project our unmeet needs into others. The cause of our emotional pain is our thinking. We have been condition to blame others instead of looking inside us. What happens in the outer world, what people say and do, just behave as a stimuli that triggers something that is within us. You are an active participant by how you deal with this phenomenon.
Is not the external stimuli that creates our emotional pain, is the way we deal with that stimuli that determines that. That part is up to us.
The other person is responsible of they did, our responsibility is to how we deal with that.
If we blame others of our own negative emotions is a reaction because society has condition to condemn others and not how to have self empathy. (unconscious)
If we understand that the external stimuli triggers an unmeet need inside us, then we respond through out our awareness. That will avoid to create unnecessary pain to ourselves.
Needs are life forces seeking expressing through us. All human beings have the same basic needs.
What is important about identifying needs? When we are in need of energy, being aware of our needs, it feels better. I am guessing that looking over the list of needs feels good. If you can identify something that is bothering you, drivers or mothers usually get emotions going in my classes when someone says I don't get upset about much. If you can identify the need that is causing the upset you will notice a calming effect. This is an important component of empathy.
One thing that is emphasized in NVC is knowing the difference between needs and strategies for meeting needs. Needs are typically one word and universal to all humans. Strategies involve actions to meet the needs. I have a need for order is a clear expression of a need. I need you to pick up after yourself is an expression of a strategy. A specific person taking some action. When we are giving someone empathy it is important to stick with needs and not strategies or advice until they are fully heard. And then only go to strategies and advice when asked. Sticking to needs is a real challenge for most people, we have been trained by society to fix things. People don't like "being fixed." It implies there is something wrong with them.
Final words:
Wisdom comes from transformation not from information. If you understand NVC on an existential level, it can serve as a bridge to reach higher vibrations, in love, sharing, and co-creation with your brothers and sisters on the planet.
I have been passionate about the path and teachings of the mystics since I was very young. The language and teachings of the mystics have penetrated me over the years.
However, when I discovered NVC Non-Violent Communication, it surprised me very positively, improving the quality and clarity of the way I communicate.
I share with you these personal insights, to reaffirm the usefulness of NVC and its therapeutic values and benefits in human relationships.
The ordinary way in which 99% of the population communicates is violent, not empathic, even inhuman, as it does not help to bring more harmony but conflict.
If non-violent communication were taught in all schools around the world, it would be absolutely certain that we would eventually have a better, more beautiful and harmonious world.
So dear reader, I encourage you to explore for yourself the "world" of NVC Nonviolent Communication.
A framework for communication and values that every mystic should consider incorporating.
